Although it is hard to fathom, I am 14 days away from walking down the hill at KU and receiving recognition as an "almost" alumni*. Somehow, I am no longer an 18-year-old, scared to death, misplaced-Oklahoman-alone-in-the-state-of-Kansas girl. I've blinked a few times, and suddenly I am here, 22 years old, knowing who I am and to Whom I belong, and moving to Iowa for 6 months in order to complete my internship that will lead to my board certification as a music therapist. If this time in my life were to be compared with the last time I graduated from a school, it would be easy to believe that fear and sadness are reigning in my life as I prepare for this next step. Truthfully, though, I'm not a basket-case this time around (and let's be real...anyone who knew me in 2009 can attest that I was absolutely NOT OK. Bad times and growing pains in the life of Katie). This time around....I actually can't really explain just how desperately excited I am to be moving to Iowa in September. The internship will allow me to work in PICU, NICU, palliative care, and behavioral health, and to help in a case study on the effects of music therapy on pain management in spinal fusion surgeries (which is BIG since I want to pitch music therapy to the Muscular Dystrophy Association!). It's even more than I ever dreamed I could achieve, and my heart aches--in a good way--anticipating all that I will learn and see, all the ways in which God will use this time of solitude in Iowa to grow me and use me in His planning.
Yet, there are two emotions felt in this season. On one side, we have my absolutely desperate, bursting-with-hope-and-joy, humbled-for-this-opportunity-and-blessed-for-the-journey emotions, looking forward to all that is to come and all that will be experienced. On the other hand comes a twang of sadness and fear from a concept that I have been ruminating on and have since defined as "ambiguous goodbyes".
This thought first came to me last Wednesday as I ended a four-year stint with the organization Natural Ties. This group places college students with individuals from the community affected by severe cognitive delays. Every Wednesday, these various pairs of college student/community individual would attend different events such as bowling, movies, ice cream socials, etc. and share the experience together. For the past 4 years, I have been paired with a sweet lady named Annette. For approximately 104 weeks, I picked Annette up at 6 p.m., and off we went for a 1-2 hour adventure. As I sit here writing, I wish there were some way to convey the things that I shared with this sweet friend, all the things that she shared and said and experienced. Words really can't explain accurately. All I can really explain is that in these years, I have gotten to share in her life and see the world through her child-like ideals. This past Wednesday, we went and ate pasta at the year-end dinner, and tragically, swiftly, our time together was over. When I dropped her off and said goodbye, she had no concept of the fact that this goodbye was forever. To her, it was just another day, just another person walking out the front door. The goodbye was ambiguous, remaining unresolved and questionable with her lack of understanding. When I reached my car, I backed out of the driveway and made it to the stoplight before commencing a really therapeutic and painful sob-fest that lasted throughout my drive back home.
As I thought about my goodbye to Annette, I had the sobering realization that this was only the first of the goodbyes that I will be giving in these next two weeks. True, I am still going to be in the area until September, and in March I will be coming back for good (well, that's the plan for now, anyways). But many goodbyes will be said to loved ones that will lack definition. Tomorrow is my last horn lesson with Dr. Paul; will I stay in touch with him or come back for a visit? My greatest friends in music therapy are moving all over the country for internship; when we say goodbye, will that be permanent or will our friendships continue to grow across miles and through conference attendance? In September, I will have to say goodbye to my boyfriend, my best friend**, and my best freshman friend; will they stay in touch across those 6 months, or will relationships be strained?
Herein lies the sadness and fear of ambiguous goodbyes: by definition, I have no idea where those goodbyes will lead. But even as I am typing and starting to feel all mope-y, I already know a truth about these ambiguous goodbyes: if I knew how everything in my life worked out and where things would lead, there would be no room for faith, no room for God to work His miraculous ways in and through and across and around my life. And even as I sit and stress myself out about the things that I cannot see, I realize I can rest in knowing that God can see everything across my lifespan, and He's got it under control. He knows who will stay in my life, and will work out ways in which those relationships will continue to flourish. As for those goodbyes which will be a little more permanent, well, even if those people are not in my life, they are not out of God's sight. He will watch over them and love them and lead them just as much as He will do all the same things for me. So as I keep saying "goodbye" over and over again, I can breathe easily. It will be ok; it always is. Oh for grace to trust Him more....trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.
I will be joyful. I will try to not let my heart hurt too much or take life too seriously.
And I will probably be having a lot more Random. Thoughts. than normal in the timespan between now and May 19th.
*side note: I say "almost" because technically I don't get my diploma until May of 2014 after I have completed my clinical internship. I walk down the hill and "graduate", but I will not be able to receive my diploma yet. Music therapy technicality.
** Bethany Paige Linville. I don't know if you will ever see this. But if you do, you are NOT getting rid of me. If you start ignoring me, I will personally call One Direction and hire them to sing Colors of the Wind at your wedding and consequently every day of your life after the fact. This is not an empty threat.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
This Just In...
As I've said before, I'm going through a bit of a rough time spiritually. I've been frustrated and challenged so much. I seem to really want to read my Bible and have my life get better, but when I do have quiet time, I find that I am easily distracted, apathetic, and frustrated. I read, but I feel like I'm just going through a checklist, succumbing to the weights of legality. I know God is real, I know that I should be humbled before His throne in worship when I enter His presence, but I just don't feel anything. Thankfully, salvation does not come from feeling like a Christian, and I am clinging to the promise of grace and mercy in abundance over my life.
Tonight as I struggled through quiet time, I realized one thing that is problematic: I am trying to invest so much in others, but I don't have anyone personally investing in me and walking alongside my journey of life and faith. I don't have anyone keeping me accountable or challenging me to be more and dive deeper into my relationship with God. Yeah, I've had people who have wanted to invest in me before while I've been in college, but they don't stay around long, and when they stop investing, it just builds up my insecurities and distrust.
As I struggled with realizing I needed someone to help nurture me spiritually and feeling panic at the prospect of opening up to yet another person who would leave, I had an illuminated moment in realizing that God has built-in such a person into my life already. That person is someone who will never give up on me and will still love me unconditionally no matter how terrible I may feel.
So with that realization, I called my Mom.
My Mom has shown me across my lifetime her faithfulness and heart for God and others. My entire life has been spent in church, watching my parents serve others and teach the Gospel, giving their time, effort, and resources into the church. As I grew up, I would come to my Mom with questions about the Bible; she always either had the answer or would do research until my abundant questions were satiated. I've never thought if my Mom as a "spiritual mother" before, but it makes sense to me that the woman who has given me so much could also be someone I turn to for spiritual nurturing.
What we have decided to do is to read our Bibles together, 350 miles apart. We are starting in Luke, and every night we will talk or text to discuss the things we've read, questions in the scripture, or things God is teaching us. It may be a little strange at first, but I'm really excited to see what God will show to each of us through this experience. I don't know how long this will last, or how effective it will be, but I'm grateful to share this opportunity with my Mom. I am trusting in the promises of God that He will reveal Himself as we seek, and I am thanking Him tonight that I have been given such a beautiful legacy of grace and faith. Things will improve with time, and God may just have a beautiful connection in store for Mom and I.
Tonight as I struggled through quiet time, I realized one thing that is problematic: I am trying to invest so much in others, but I don't have anyone personally investing in me and walking alongside my journey of life and faith. I don't have anyone keeping me accountable or challenging me to be more and dive deeper into my relationship with God. Yeah, I've had people who have wanted to invest in me before while I've been in college, but they don't stay around long, and when they stop investing, it just builds up my insecurities and distrust.
As I struggled with realizing I needed someone to help nurture me spiritually and feeling panic at the prospect of opening up to yet another person who would leave, I had an illuminated moment in realizing that God has built-in such a person into my life already. That person is someone who will never give up on me and will still love me unconditionally no matter how terrible I may feel.
So with that realization, I called my Mom.
My Mom has shown me across my lifetime her faithfulness and heart for God and others. My entire life has been spent in church, watching my parents serve others and teach the Gospel, giving their time, effort, and resources into the church. As I grew up, I would come to my Mom with questions about the Bible; she always either had the answer or would do research until my abundant questions were satiated. I've never thought if my Mom as a "spiritual mother" before, but it makes sense to me that the woman who has given me so much could also be someone I turn to for spiritual nurturing.
What we have decided to do is to read our Bibles together, 350 miles apart. We are starting in Luke, and every night we will talk or text to discuss the things we've read, questions in the scripture, or things God is teaching us. It may be a little strange at first, but I'm really excited to see what God will show to each of us through this experience. I don't know how long this will last, or how effective it will be, but I'm grateful to share this opportunity with my Mom. I am trusting in the promises of God that He will reveal Himself as we seek, and I am thanking Him tonight that I have been given such a beautiful legacy of grace and faith. Things will improve with time, and God may just have a beautiful connection in store for Mom and I.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Fear Not, You are Loved
The past few weeks have been pretty rough on the spiritual front. I've been struggling with discerning truth from fiction, and have generally just been very cynical and apathetic. When I sing worship songs or try to have quiet study time, I feel overwhelmed by weights of legalities and feelings that I am simply going through a man-made checklist, and I find my thoughts straying with more struggles and questions than I should be having from just a world of thinking. I've been clinging to what I believe and what I know to be true, even though I am not necessarily feeling anything.
Tonight, though... I turned on some Beatles "Rubber Soul". I started writing letters to my church family back home in regards to the mission trip I will be going on this summer. And those two combined to transport me in thought to Oklahoma, where I felt overwhelmed by the love that so many have poured into my life as I grew up there. Just thinking of my adopted church family reminded me of the legacy they have given me of love, support, grace, and faith in Christ. Listening to the Beatles reminded me of nights sitting at my dad's art table, and the grace and kindness that he and my mom raised me under that carries on even now. I may be 350 miles away from this nurturing environment, but the impact is carrying on, especially on nights like these that are surrounded by doubting moments and general worries.
I still have a long way to go before I'm "on the mountaintop" again. I still have a lot of things to work out and to let go of. But I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know that God will continue to carry me faithfully throughout my lifespan.
"Fear not, you are loved; it's a bottomless sea/Fear not of the days that haven't been seen/Lift up your head, all heavy in dream/Open starry eyes wide, a most beautiful scene"
Tonight, though... I turned on some Beatles "Rubber Soul". I started writing letters to my church family back home in regards to the mission trip I will be going on this summer. And those two combined to transport me in thought to Oklahoma, where I felt overwhelmed by the love that so many have poured into my life as I grew up there. Just thinking of my adopted church family reminded me of the legacy they have given me of love, support, grace, and faith in Christ. Listening to the Beatles reminded me of nights sitting at my dad's art table, and the grace and kindness that he and my mom raised me under that carries on even now. I may be 350 miles away from this nurturing environment, but the impact is carrying on, especially on nights like these that are surrounded by doubting moments and general worries.
I still have a long way to go before I'm "on the mountaintop" again. I still have a lot of things to work out and to let go of. But I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know that God will continue to carry me faithfully throughout my lifespan.
"Fear not, you are loved; it's a bottomless sea/Fear not of the days that haven't been seen/Lift up your head, all heavy in dream/Open starry eyes wide, a most beautiful scene"
Thursday, February 28, 2013
I'm Learning
I'm learning. We are all learning. Life IS learning. Every day we wake up, we go about our day, we go to sleep, we repeat. Nothing extraordinary occurs, but over time, everything changes and we continue learning and growing and simply being.
Lately, I've been learning. I will always be learning.
I'm learning....
-I am my own toughest critic. But Christ died so that I can live through Him, and His blood makes me righteous. If God sees my many faults and still grants me righteousness, why should I continue to beat myself up for imperfections? I still have a long way to go in life, but I don't have to go that way on my own.
-People will disappoint, because people are imperfect. On the flip side, people will surprise and bless you when you least expect it, because people are not all bad. We all have to work together.
-The importance of working alongside others. In this season of marathon training, I am essentially training alongside 3 people who have never run the distance they are training for before, whereas I have run the half and full marathon and know what to expect. Training with them is teaching me patience, grace, and that running is something to enjoy, not something that has to be skillful or speedy. Running alongside others places you into vulnerable, beautiful situations that can be shared together.
-"If you are a person who can't say "no", you are probably a slave to others' expectations." ~Lecrae
With that quote, I am learning how to stand up for myself and defend what I know to be true or what I know to be best for me, even if that defense makes others upset. That doesn't mean that I am exactly good at this "standing up" thing yet, or that I will be fighting over everything. Just means that if something is wrong, I am learning how to say "no", and that it's ok to say "no".
-To accept gifts or favors with grace. I don't really like receiving gifts from people. But on occasion, people offer to give you things because they want to bless you. And the best way to bless them in return is to graciously accept what they are offering instead of fighting and trying to give the offering back. (Does that sound selfish? It makes sense in my head.)
-Why people are skeptical of religion. Growing up, I was always so secure at my home church, and I didn't fathom how people could reject God because of interactions they had experienced with religious organizations. Since college began, I have shuffled from church to church, left many campus ministries, and have been rather confused by the abundance of manmade rulings and rituals that have corrupted the experience of Christianity. I am having to re-learn to trust in Jesus alone, and not on the precepts or ideals of man. I am being challenged to simply be still and to listen to and worship God alone, without being weighed down by the chains of legality.
-Often, change will not occur until you suck up your pride and get to work. The trash in the sink isn't yours? Clean it up anyways. With a smile.
-How to delegate. The only way in which people will feel that they belong to a group and have ownership of that group is if they have something to do to help the group thrive.
-Even when I think that things will never be ok....things always end up being ok.
-Sometimes all you need is a change in perspective and someone in your life who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Or to give you a good slap in the face.
Lately, I've been learning. I will always be learning.
I'm learning....
-I am my own toughest critic. But Christ died so that I can live through Him, and His blood makes me righteous. If God sees my many faults and still grants me righteousness, why should I continue to beat myself up for imperfections? I still have a long way to go in life, but I don't have to go that way on my own.
-People will disappoint, because people are imperfect. On the flip side, people will surprise and bless you when you least expect it, because people are not all bad. We all have to work together.
-The importance of working alongside others. In this season of marathon training, I am essentially training alongside 3 people who have never run the distance they are training for before, whereas I have run the half and full marathon and know what to expect. Training with them is teaching me patience, grace, and that running is something to enjoy, not something that has to be skillful or speedy. Running alongside others places you into vulnerable, beautiful situations that can be shared together.
-"If you are a person who can't say "no", you are probably a slave to others' expectations." ~Lecrae
With that quote, I am learning how to stand up for myself and defend what I know to be true or what I know to be best for me, even if that defense makes others upset. That doesn't mean that I am exactly good at this "standing up" thing yet, or that I will be fighting over everything. Just means that if something is wrong, I am learning how to say "no", and that it's ok to say "no".
-To accept gifts or favors with grace. I don't really like receiving gifts from people. But on occasion, people offer to give you things because they want to bless you. And the best way to bless them in return is to graciously accept what they are offering instead of fighting and trying to give the offering back. (Does that sound selfish? It makes sense in my head.)
-Why people are skeptical of religion. Growing up, I was always so secure at my home church, and I didn't fathom how people could reject God because of interactions they had experienced with religious organizations. Since college began, I have shuffled from church to church, left many campus ministries, and have been rather confused by the abundance of manmade rulings and rituals that have corrupted the experience of Christianity. I am having to re-learn to trust in Jesus alone, and not on the precepts or ideals of man. I am being challenged to simply be still and to listen to and worship God alone, without being weighed down by the chains of legality.
-Often, change will not occur until you suck up your pride and get to work. The trash in the sink isn't yours? Clean it up anyways. With a smile.
-How to delegate. The only way in which people will feel that they belong to a group and have ownership of that group is if they have something to do to help the group thrive.
-Even when I think that things will never be ok....things always end up being ok.
-Sometimes all you need is a change in perspective and someone in your life who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Or to give you a good slap in the face.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Bound in the Bundle of the Living
Today has been one of those days in which I just hurt. Not physically, but my heart aches. For the past few days, I've been struggling with those ugly uncertainties that creep up and attack when we least expect them. If you're a girl, you can relate. Maybe it's because I've just returned after a refreshing and life-giving visit home, but I have just felt worn down, unable, unvalued, ungraceful, less-than-beautiful. These moments of insecurity are rare, but when they hit, they hit hard.
I'm reading a book called "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Neiquist, and it's pretty amazing. In the book, she talks about an experience in which she moved into an old house, pretty worn down and in need of many repairs. She was excited about the house, until she visited a friend who lived in a brand new house. When she returned home, she looked at the house she once loved and saw all the damage and disrepair and brokenness that resided there. And she compared that old house to our lives: we strive to be the perfect house, when in reality we look more like the old, broken house. But God looks at us and says "Well, yeah, you are broken, and yeah, there's a lot of things we need to improve. But that will come in time, and you have to trust that I will guide you through those improvements. In the meantime, you still have purpose in sheltering the people within your walls. Stop trying to be like the new house, and fulfill your purpose as the old house, all the while trusting me to finish the work which I began in you."
I was reading in 1 Samuel, and came across a phrase I had never seen before. It was said by Abigail before she married David, and she said that his life would be "bound in the bundle of the living". Seemed like a strange saying, so I read the references to it in hopes of understanding better. According to my reference, this is a graphic Hebrew saying that was often found on Jewish tombstones and referring to life beyond the grave. It referred to the custom of binding valuable possessions to keep them from being broken or damaged. The picture is one of a precious jewel, carefully tied up in a bundle to remain secure and safe. Reading that description was one of those powerful "God-moments" in which I realized.....the Author of all things sees me as a jewel and desires to protect and secure my life, to heal my brokenness. Even though I am less than less than nothing compared to His glory, He still sees me, knows my name, and calls me beautiful and valuable even on days when I feel bland and useless.
I don't know why I so often forget it, but God is LOVE, and that love is given to me in abundance. If my life were a red solo cup, God's love is like a pitcher over the cup, watching it overflow, still not removing the pitcher, but letting it overflow instead until waterfalls are falling off the table and filling up the room. I am undeserving. I am loved. I am abundantly grateful.
And with that knowledge, my lungs fill up again, and I can sing back to my Creator and Sustainer. "Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast/There by His love o'ershaded, sweetly my soul shall rest" or "And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own/and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known". Or maybe "Should we with ink the ocean fill and ever sky a parchment made/were every stalk on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade/to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry/Nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky."
I'm reading a book called "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Neiquist, and it's pretty amazing. In the book, she talks about an experience in which she moved into an old house, pretty worn down and in need of many repairs. She was excited about the house, until she visited a friend who lived in a brand new house. When she returned home, she looked at the house she once loved and saw all the damage and disrepair and brokenness that resided there. And she compared that old house to our lives: we strive to be the perfect house, when in reality we look more like the old, broken house. But God looks at us and says "Well, yeah, you are broken, and yeah, there's a lot of things we need to improve. But that will come in time, and you have to trust that I will guide you through those improvements. In the meantime, you still have purpose in sheltering the people within your walls. Stop trying to be like the new house, and fulfill your purpose as the old house, all the while trusting me to finish the work which I began in you."
I was reading in 1 Samuel, and came across a phrase I had never seen before. It was said by Abigail before she married David, and she said that his life would be "bound in the bundle of the living". Seemed like a strange saying, so I read the references to it in hopes of understanding better. According to my reference, this is a graphic Hebrew saying that was often found on Jewish tombstones and referring to life beyond the grave. It referred to the custom of binding valuable possessions to keep them from being broken or damaged. The picture is one of a precious jewel, carefully tied up in a bundle to remain secure and safe. Reading that description was one of those powerful "God-moments" in which I realized.....the Author of all things sees me as a jewel and desires to protect and secure my life, to heal my brokenness. Even though I am less than less than nothing compared to His glory, He still sees me, knows my name, and calls me beautiful and valuable even on days when I feel bland and useless.
I don't know why I so often forget it, but God is LOVE, and that love is given to me in abundance. If my life were a red solo cup, God's love is like a pitcher over the cup, watching it overflow, still not removing the pitcher, but letting it overflow instead until waterfalls are falling off the table and filling up the room. I am undeserving. I am loved. I am abundantly grateful.
And with that knowledge, my lungs fill up again, and I can sing back to my Creator and Sustainer. "Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast/There by His love o'ershaded, sweetly my soul shall rest" or "And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own/and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known". Or maybe "Should we with ink the ocean fill and ever sky a parchment made/were every stalk on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade/to write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry/Nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky."
Friday, July 13, 2012
Names of God
Over the years, I have done several studies covering the names of God used in the Bible, and their relevance to us today. The past few days, I have been really struggling to keep my heart and mind focused on Jesus, so I decided to re-visit some of these studies, and simply say the names of my Savior in worship for who He is.
One interesting things about these names of God: in the Bible, people would often take the name of God, whether "El" or "Yahweh", and pair the name with a descriptive word that explained a certain characteristic of God. The following is the list that I have compiled from my studies, but I'm sure there are many more names of God listed. I have also listed the scriptural reference to the name, if possible:
Elohim= Triune God
El-Shaddai= God is enough; God is all powerful
El-Emet= God is true and dependable (Psalm 31:5)
El-Gibbon= Mighty God; heroic God (Isaiah 10:21)
El-De'a= God who knows (1 Samuel 2:3)
El-Kabod= God of glory (heaviness, weightiness) (Psalm 29:3)
El-Olam= God beyond what we can see
Yahweh= everlasting God (Genesis 21:33)
El Qanna= Jealous God (Deuteronomy 4:24)
El-Hay= Living God (Joshua 3:10)
El-Sela= God is my Rock (Psalm 42:9)
El-Nasa= God who forgives (Psalm 99:8)
El-Hayya= God of my life (Psalm 42:8)
El-Elyon= God most high (Genesis 14:22)
El-el= God above all gods (Daniel 11:36)
Adonai= God as authority/master
Immanuel= God with us (Isaiah 7:14)
Yahweh-jireh= the Lord will provide (Genesis 22:14)
Yahweh-rapha= the Lord who heals (Exodus 15:26)
Yahweh-tsedeq= the Lord our righteousness (Jeremiah 23:6)
Yahweh-nissi= the Lord our banner (Exodus 17:15)
Yahweh- qadesh= the Lord who sanctifies (Leviticus 20:8)
Yahweh-shalom= the Lord is peace (Judges 6:24)
Yahweh-rohi= the Lord is shepherd (Psalm 23:1)
Yahweh-ori= the Lord is my light (Psalm 27:1)
Yahweh-bara= the everlasting God (Isaiah 40:28)
Yahweh-sebaot= the Lord of hosts/armies (Jeremiah 11:20)
Yahweh-shamma= the Lord is there (Ezekiel 48:35)
Which name do you use to address God? Are there any good ones I missed? Let me know!
One interesting things about these names of God: in the Bible, people would often take the name of God, whether "El" or "Yahweh", and pair the name with a descriptive word that explained a certain characteristic of God. The following is the list that I have compiled from my studies, but I'm sure there are many more names of God listed. I have also listed the scriptural reference to the name, if possible:
Elohim= Triune God
El-Shaddai= God is enough; God is all powerful
El-Emet= God is true and dependable (Psalm 31:5)
El-Gibbon= Mighty God; heroic God (Isaiah 10:21)
El-De'a= God who knows (1 Samuel 2:3)
El-Kabod= God of glory (heaviness, weightiness) (Psalm 29:3)
El-Olam= God beyond what we can see
Yahweh= everlasting God (Genesis 21:33)
El Qanna= Jealous God (Deuteronomy 4:24)
El-Hay= Living God (Joshua 3:10)
El-Sela= God is my Rock (Psalm 42:9)
El-Nasa= God who forgives (Psalm 99:8)
El-Hayya= God of my life (Psalm 42:8)
El-Elyon= God most high (Genesis 14:22)
El-el= God above all gods (Daniel 11:36)
Adonai= God as authority/master
Immanuel= God with us (Isaiah 7:14)
Yahweh-jireh= the Lord will provide (Genesis 22:14)
Yahweh-rapha= the Lord who heals (Exodus 15:26)
Yahweh-tsedeq= the Lord our righteousness (Jeremiah 23:6)
Yahweh-nissi= the Lord our banner (Exodus 17:15)
Yahweh- qadesh= the Lord who sanctifies (Leviticus 20:8)
Yahweh-shalom= the Lord is peace (Judges 6:24)
Yahweh-rohi= the Lord is shepherd (Psalm 23:1)
Yahweh-ori= the Lord is my light (Psalm 27:1)
Yahweh-bara= the everlasting God (Isaiah 40:28)
Yahweh-sebaot= the Lord of hosts/armies (Jeremiah 11:20)
Yahweh-shamma= the Lord is there (Ezekiel 48:35)
Which name do you use to address God? Are there any good ones I missed? Let me know!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
San Diego Express 2012
Hey, everyone.
Once upon a time, I was really good at keeping blogs. For the past year or so, I have turned to journaling as my main outlet of expression, so a lot of times this blog gets put by the wayside. For those of you who follow me, thank you for caring and reading, even when I don't update as much as the average blog-writer.
Today, though, I am writing on here as a way of sharing some really important things that have happened in my life these past two weeks. I just returned from a 2-week stint in San Diego with Campus Crusade for Christ on a project entitled "San Diego Express". Finding this project was a bit of a journey. Long story short, I had a month of free time this summer, and I asked God to let me give that time back to Him. This project's goals were to work in the Mission Bay area of San Diego, sharing our faith and growing with other believers. Even though I attend Navigators at KU, I was accepted on this CRU trip and found myself on a plane really early in the morning on June 14 heading for California to meet up with a group of about 30 students that I had never met before.
When I first arrived in San Diego, I had a mild moment of heart failure. The airport was so big, and I had never flown alone. I had received a text from one of the staff regarding getting picked up, but that was also a daunting thought, of finding a stranger in the chaos and then riding along with them for the fifteen minute drive to our hotel. After a few moments of pep-talk, I found my ride, accompanied by a fellow music student who had flown in from Slippery Rock, PA (yes, that is a real place, apparently!). We got to chat on the ride to the Bahia, and my fears were erased. We checked in and found several other students waiting for our project to begin. One of the girls was from Oklahoma, and actually knew my friend, Tyler; I hoped we would be roommates so I would have at least something to talk about with someone else. The rooms were assigned, and I was not with this girl, but rather with 5 other girls that I had not previously met from so many different places.
God was working that out, too, purposefully placing me with those who would help me most to grow, and over the course of two-weeks, each of those 5 girls truly became soul-sisters, changing my life forever and letting my heart expand to include more friends in my "people place". I could go off on a tangent listing all of our inside jokes and what each and every one of these ladies means to me, but that's not the point of this blog. The point that they have in the story is just adding to how amazing God was to put us in a room together, and to allow us to grow together. Even though we only spent 2 weeks together, I feel as though I know and love my project roommate soul-sisters just as much as I know and love my heart-sisters, whom I have known for the better part of my life. There were several times when the 6 of us did not really get to interact with the rest of the students as much, but even in those times staying alone together, we bonded and got to glorify God through our budding friendships. Allison, Brittnie, Chelsea, Danielle, Maggie....seriously, my heart aches a little writing this, already missing our awesome room, yet I am excited to see our friendships continue.
Anyways, continuing with the story of project...
The first evening of project brought our first experience of learning about the Spirit, demonstrated by all project attendees learning to line-dance. I don't really know what's crazier, the fact that a huge group of people was learning how to dance to country music behind a hotel, or the fact that a girl from Oklahoma-Kansas had to go to San Diego to acquire such a skill. Either way, we learned and had a really fun time doing it! The Spirit-filled life is more like line-dancing than just getting instructions on what line-dancing is: I can tell you how to dance, but until you actually experience it and try it, the words will mean nothing. That experience was the first of many geared towards thinking about and experiencing the Spirit-filled life; every morning we would have worship followed by lessons on the Spirit; in the evenings we would have more experiential learning opportunities paired with guest speakers or small group processing time. It still boggles my mind how much I learned in just two weeks. I grew up in church, and have always heard about the Spirit as a member of the Trinity, but I had never really realized just how important His role is in our lives as believers. Before Jesus died on the cross, He told the disciples that His departure was for their benefit. After all, when He left, He would send a Comforter to them. That Comforter is the Holy Spirit, and He is essentially God, living in us, to work through us for His glory and to guide our steps to align with His. What an amazing thought!
As we learned about the Spirit and how to share our faith with others, we would pair up and go out to meet people and, well, share! The first day going out, I had NO idea what I was doing. I had tried to share my faith before, but it was largely unsuccessful. I paired up with Matt, and off we went! To my surprise, we didn't get any flat out rejections to talk with people on the beach. Our first discussion was with a husband and wife, and we talked to them about spiritual things for an hour and a half. It was a really amazing experience, and I could feel the Spirit working through Matt and I: whenever I would be at a loss for words, Matt would speak up, and later I learned that he felt the same way with me. Even if nothing came from it, we got to meet two new people and spark up some really interesting thoughts. After we left them, we decided to go up and down the beach to find someone else to talk with. We walked everywhere and found nobody, so we stopped and prayed for guidance, specifically, that the Spirit would lead us to the person we were supposed to talk to, and that we would know because both of us would be convicted. Said amen, turned around, and there was a guy in a beach chair we must have walked right past but never seen. Talked to him for a little bit, he was...eccentric, to say the least. But I think it was an experience that God used to show us both how the Spirit could and would work in our lives if we let Him lead.
After that first day, sharing became easier, and almost essential to my life. There was one day in which my new partner and I didn't get to talk to anybody except one fellow Christian. At the end of that day, I was so frustrated and upset that I hadn't shared the name of my sweet Savior. But then I thought about all the days of my life that have gone by in which I haven't spoken the name of Jesus...and it was a humbling moment. I realized that, with the Spirit in control of my life, I truly wanted to share, more than anything in the world.
Some days, I'm pretty sure that the people God sent us to were more for our benefit that theirs. One such day came when we were sharing at San Diego State University. I was with my dear friend Maggie, and we decided to follow the sound of drums coming from a building, which happened to be the music building, which seemed to make perfect sense since I am a music student. We circled multiple times before finally deciding to stop and talk to a guy and girl sitting on a bench...who told us we were the third group to come by and try to share Jesus with them that day. To our joy, they were both believers, and we enjoyed conversation with each other. The guy was a Messianic Jew, and hearing his perspective and love for God really opened both Maggie's and mine eyes. What I'm about to say is completely wrong; I realize that now and am grateful that God has been opening my eyes to bigger pictures. But a lot of the times, when we imagine heaven, we see it as including a lot of people very much like us, with similar backgrounds and customs. Not only is this ignorant, it's unbiblical as well. God loves the nations, and when we get to heaven, it will be full of people of all nations and tongues, worshiping together before the throne of God. How refreshing for us to stumble upon two fellow Christians with different perspectives and backgrounds, but still in love with and in relationship with God!
This was just one of many experiences in which God expanded my view of His heart for people. One afternoon, I was with my friend, Amy, walking through the park looking for people to talk with. As we were walking, Amy spotted a homeless man standing in the field. We headed over to talk with him, and he shared that he was 24 days sober, and that yesterday had been his birthday and the first time in 30 years where he had been sober on his birthday. As we were talking, I couldn't help but wonder why we were there. Then Amy asked if there was anything we could pray with him about, and his face lit up in a smile. He basically told us that he has been having terrible withdrawal symptoms, but the only time that they go away is when he is talking with God. He professed a faith in God, and we prayed with this brother in Christ that his shakes would go away, and that he would have the strength to stay sober. We gave him a hug, wished him a good day. Did I really think I would ever be standing in a park hugging a homeless man? No. But the fact is, as a fellow follower of Jesus, He is my brother. God has placed no limits on people based on socioeconomic status, and neither should I. Another really neat reminder of God's heart for the nations came on our last Sunday, worshiping at Harbor Church Mid-City. This body of worshipers meets at a local high school, located between the rich and the poor neighborhoods of this area of San Diego. Not sure of the exact details, but basically, this church is located right in the middle of a huge mix of different cultures and socioeconomic statuses amongst it's members. We spent all day Saturday doing community service around the building, and then returned on Sunday for worship. I have never been to a multicultural church, but it was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed. There we were, so many believers gathered together, singing "You're Beautiful" to God in different languages. It took my breath away, and made me homesick for heaven, and the chance to someday sing of God's glory with people of every nation and language and color and background. If I didn't have a worldview before this trip, I definitely did now.
Just one more sharing story that really influenced my time in San Diego...One day, our mission was to get on the trains in groups, take the rail all the way down to the border of Mexico, then return, with the purpose being to talk with people we met on the train. For the first few stops, my group had little luck in finding people to talk to. Then, a girl who looked like Rebecca St. James boarded the train carrying a gigantic surfboard in a bag on her back. She told us that her name was Camilla, her religion was surfing, and that her goal was to go as far south as she possibly could until she found a beach with waves to ride. She was spirited, optimistic...and completely alone. I talked to her for awhile, and she said that our group was the first encounter she had on her journey with kind people. I tried to go deeper in spiritual conversations, but she was very focused on her journey, looking ahead while still politely talking with me. As we parted, I gave her one of our "Knowing God Personally" booklets with my email on it, and watched as she headed to the border check to enter Mexico. I know it sounds crazy, and I don't really understand it myself, but meeting Camilla for that brief encounter absolutely broke my heart. I thought about how alone she was, how much hurt she must have encountered in her life to get her to this point, and the fact that, even as she walked away, she did not know of the love of Jesus and how much He desires her heart. That was almost two weeks ago, and I still find myself at times feeling burdened for my surfer friend, and have to lift her up before God. I don't know where her life will take her, or if we will ever meet again, but I rest in knowing that the same God with me now also sees and loves her. After that experience, and the expansion of my knowledge of God's heart for the nations, I realized that I had no excuse not to follow what God is calling me to do.
I've mentioned it before, and if you have been in my life the past 6 months, you have probably heard me blabbering about my future plans. The fact is, about a year ago, God began changing my stubborn, stony heart, and making me realize that the story He is writing for me is so much better than anything I could ever write on my own. And, to make a long story short, I realized that, while I love my major of music therapy and hope to someday work in a children's hospital, those plans are not exactly what God wants for me right now. I believe that, instead, God is calling me to some kind of ministry. When I first started asking God to replace my dreams with His dreams for me, this was the result. I was wrestling with my future, and couldn't deny that the life I had imagined for myself just was not in align with these bigger dreams from God, but I still could not totally surrender to this calling. I would say things like, "I mean, I'd like to do ministry, but I will probably just end up in OKC doing therapy" or "Maybe I can just do something at the church I end up attending instead". While on project, I wrestled with so many different things: Feelings of awkwardness and self-consciousness, realizations of inadequacy, fears about telling my family of my plans, uncertainty about which paths to take. Through it all, God whispered to my heart, reminding me that my adequacy came from Him alone, that He called me beautiful and called me to follow, that fear was just an excuse to not obey, and that, no matter what may befall, He would never leave or forsake me. With all these lessons, and the loving support of my project family, I can now say that I have surrendered to a year of ministry after college, and am beyond excited to see where God will take me and use me for His glory. That may be anything from working in a campus ministry in America, or taking an I-Edge or STINT year to France. I don't have all the answers yet, but I trust that as I continue walking in the Spirit, He will lead me where I need to be. God told me to follow, and so I will. In the meantime, I plan on sharing my faith with any that I may encounter, and trusting the Spirit to guide and control my life. As I have often said before, I am beyond excited about this "bend in the road", and seeing where my life will end up as I continue the journey.
Well, I'm not really sure how to end this novel, so I will just express my gratitude for each and every one of you for caring enough to take a peek into my life. I will try to be better about writing more often for updates. I covet your prayers in this next season of my life, and I would love to join you in prayer if there is anything I can help with. Have a blessed and beautiful day :)
Katie
Once upon a time, I was really good at keeping blogs. For the past year or so, I have turned to journaling as my main outlet of expression, so a lot of times this blog gets put by the wayside. For those of you who follow me, thank you for caring and reading, even when I don't update as much as the average blog-writer.
Today, though, I am writing on here as a way of sharing some really important things that have happened in my life these past two weeks. I just returned from a 2-week stint in San Diego with Campus Crusade for Christ on a project entitled "San Diego Express". Finding this project was a bit of a journey. Long story short, I had a month of free time this summer, and I asked God to let me give that time back to Him. This project's goals were to work in the Mission Bay area of San Diego, sharing our faith and growing with other believers. Even though I attend Navigators at KU, I was accepted on this CRU trip and found myself on a plane really early in the morning on June 14 heading for California to meet up with a group of about 30 students that I had never met before.
When I first arrived in San Diego, I had a mild moment of heart failure. The airport was so big, and I had never flown alone. I had received a text from one of the staff regarding getting picked up, but that was also a daunting thought, of finding a stranger in the chaos and then riding along with them for the fifteen minute drive to our hotel. After a few moments of pep-talk, I found my ride, accompanied by a fellow music student who had flown in from Slippery Rock, PA (yes, that is a real place, apparently!). We got to chat on the ride to the Bahia, and my fears were erased. We checked in and found several other students waiting for our project to begin. One of the girls was from Oklahoma, and actually knew my friend, Tyler; I hoped we would be roommates so I would have at least something to talk about with someone else. The rooms were assigned, and I was not with this girl, but rather with 5 other girls that I had not previously met from so many different places.
God was working that out, too, purposefully placing me with those who would help me most to grow, and over the course of two-weeks, each of those 5 girls truly became soul-sisters, changing my life forever and letting my heart expand to include more friends in my "people place". I could go off on a tangent listing all of our inside jokes and what each and every one of these ladies means to me, but that's not the point of this blog. The point that they have in the story is just adding to how amazing God was to put us in a room together, and to allow us to grow together. Even though we only spent 2 weeks together, I feel as though I know and love my project roommate soul-sisters just as much as I know and love my heart-sisters, whom I have known for the better part of my life. There were several times when the 6 of us did not really get to interact with the rest of the students as much, but even in those times staying alone together, we bonded and got to glorify God through our budding friendships. Allison, Brittnie, Chelsea, Danielle, Maggie....seriously, my heart aches a little writing this, already missing our awesome room, yet I am excited to see our friendships continue.
Anyways, continuing with the story of project...
The first evening of project brought our first experience of learning about the Spirit, demonstrated by all project attendees learning to line-dance. I don't really know what's crazier, the fact that a huge group of people was learning how to dance to country music behind a hotel, or the fact that a girl from Oklahoma-Kansas had to go to San Diego to acquire such a skill. Either way, we learned and had a really fun time doing it! The Spirit-filled life is more like line-dancing than just getting instructions on what line-dancing is: I can tell you how to dance, but until you actually experience it and try it, the words will mean nothing. That experience was the first of many geared towards thinking about and experiencing the Spirit-filled life; every morning we would have worship followed by lessons on the Spirit; in the evenings we would have more experiential learning opportunities paired with guest speakers or small group processing time. It still boggles my mind how much I learned in just two weeks. I grew up in church, and have always heard about the Spirit as a member of the Trinity, but I had never really realized just how important His role is in our lives as believers. Before Jesus died on the cross, He told the disciples that His departure was for their benefit. After all, when He left, He would send a Comforter to them. That Comforter is the Holy Spirit, and He is essentially God, living in us, to work through us for His glory and to guide our steps to align with His. What an amazing thought!
As we learned about the Spirit and how to share our faith with others, we would pair up and go out to meet people and, well, share! The first day going out, I had NO idea what I was doing. I had tried to share my faith before, but it was largely unsuccessful. I paired up with Matt, and off we went! To my surprise, we didn't get any flat out rejections to talk with people on the beach. Our first discussion was with a husband and wife, and we talked to them about spiritual things for an hour and a half. It was a really amazing experience, and I could feel the Spirit working through Matt and I: whenever I would be at a loss for words, Matt would speak up, and later I learned that he felt the same way with me. Even if nothing came from it, we got to meet two new people and spark up some really interesting thoughts. After we left them, we decided to go up and down the beach to find someone else to talk with. We walked everywhere and found nobody, so we stopped and prayed for guidance, specifically, that the Spirit would lead us to the person we were supposed to talk to, and that we would know because both of us would be convicted. Said amen, turned around, and there was a guy in a beach chair we must have walked right past but never seen. Talked to him for a little bit, he was...eccentric, to say the least. But I think it was an experience that God used to show us both how the Spirit could and would work in our lives if we let Him lead.
After that first day, sharing became easier, and almost essential to my life. There was one day in which my new partner and I didn't get to talk to anybody except one fellow Christian. At the end of that day, I was so frustrated and upset that I hadn't shared the name of my sweet Savior. But then I thought about all the days of my life that have gone by in which I haven't spoken the name of Jesus...and it was a humbling moment. I realized that, with the Spirit in control of my life, I truly wanted to share, more than anything in the world.
Some days, I'm pretty sure that the people God sent us to were more for our benefit that theirs. One such day came when we were sharing at San Diego State University. I was with my dear friend Maggie, and we decided to follow the sound of drums coming from a building, which happened to be the music building, which seemed to make perfect sense since I am a music student. We circled multiple times before finally deciding to stop and talk to a guy and girl sitting on a bench...who told us we were the third group to come by and try to share Jesus with them that day. To our joy, they were both believers, and we enjoyed conversation with each other. The guy was a Messianic Jew, and hearing his perspective and love for God really opened both Maggie's and mine eyes. What I'm about to say is completely wrong; I realize that now and am grateful that God has been opening my eyes to bigger pictures. But a lot of the times, when we imagine heaven, we see it as including a lot of people very much like us, with similar backgrounds and customs. Not only is this ignorant, it's unbiblical as well. God loves the nations, and when we get to heaven, it will be full of people of all nations and tongues, worshiping together before the throne of God. How refreshing for us to stumble upon two fellow Christians with different perspectives and backgrounds, but still in love with and in relationship with God!
This was just one of many experiences in which God expanded my view of His heart for people. One afternoon, I was with my friend, Amy, walking through the park looking for people to talk with. As we were walking, Amy spotted a homeless man standing in the field. We headed over to talk with him, and he shared that he was 24 days sober, and that yesterday had been his birthday and the first time in 30 years where he had been sober on his birthday. As we were talking, I couldn't help but wonder why we were there. Then Amy asked if there was anything we could pray with him about, and his face lit up in a smile. He basically told us that he has been having terrible withdrawal symptoms, but the only time that they go away is when he is talking with God. He professed a faith in God, and we prayed with this brother in Christ that his shakes would go away, and that he would have the strength to stay sober. We gave him a hug, wished him a good day. Did I really think I would ever be standing in a park hugging a homeless man? No. But the fact is, as a fellow follower of Jesus, He is my brother. God has placed no limits on people based on socioeconomic status, and neither should I. Another really neat reminder of God's heart for the nations came on our last Sunday, worshiping at Harbor Church Mid-City. This body of worshipers meets at a local high school, located between the rich and the poor neighborhoods of this area of San Diego. Not sure of the exact details, but basically, this church is located right in the middle of a huge mix of different cultures and socioeconomic statuses amongst it's members. We spent all day Saturday doing community service around the building, and then returned on Sunday for worship. I have never been to a multicultural church, but it was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed. There we were, so many believers gathered together, singing "You're Beautiful" to God in different languages. It took my breath away, and made me homesick for heaven, and the chance to someday sing of God's glory with people of every nation and language and color and background. If I didn't have a worldview before this trip, I definitely did now.
Just one more sharing story that really influenced my time in San Diego...One day, our mission was to get on the trains in groups, take the rail all the way down to the border of Mexico, then return, with the purpose being to talk with people we met on the train. For the first few stops, my group had little luck in finding people to talk to. Then, a girl who looked like Rebecca St. James boarded the train carrying a gigantic surfboard in a bag on her back. She told us that her name was Camilla, her religion was surfing, and that her goal was to go as far south as she possibly could until she found a beach with waves to ride. She was spirited, optimistic...and completely alone. I talked to her for awhile, and she said that our group was the first encounter she had on her journey with kind people. I tried to go deeper in spiritual conversations, but she was very focused on her journey, looking ahead while still politely talking with me. As we parted, I gave her one of our "Knowing God Personally" booklets with my email on it, and watched as she headed to the border check to enter Mexico. I know it sounds crazy, and I don't really understand it myself, but meeting Camilla for that brief encounter absolutely broke my heart. I thought about how alone she was, how much hurt she must have encountered in her life to get her to this point, and the fact that, even as she walked away, she did not know of the love of Jesus and how much He desires her heart. That was almost two weeks ago, and I still find myself at times feeling burdened for my surfer friend, and have to lift her up before God. I don't know where her life will take her, or if we will ever meet again, but I rest in knowing that the same God with me now also sees and loves her. After that experience, and the expansion of my knowledge of God's heart for the nations, I realized that I had no excuse not to follow what God is calling me to do.
I've mentioned it before, and if you have been in my life the past 6 months, you have probably heard me blabbering about my future plans. The fact is, about a year ago, God began changing my stubborn, stony heart, and making me realize that the story He is writing for me is so much better than anything I could ever write on my own. And, to make a long story short, I realized that, while I love my major of music therapy and hope to someday work in a children's hospital, those plans are not exactly what God wants for me right now. I believe that, instead, God is calling me to some kind of ministry. When I first started asking God to replace my dreams with His dreams for me, this was the result. I was wrestling with my future, and couldn't deny that the life I had imagined for myself just was not in align with these bigger dreams from God, but I still could not totally surrender to this calling. I would say things like, "I mean, I'd like to do ministry, but I will probably just end up in OKC doing therapy" or "Maybe I can just do something at the church I end up attending instead". While on project, I wrestled with so many different things: Feelings of awkwardness and self-consciousness, realizations of inadequacy, fears about telling my family of my plans, uncertainty about which paths to take. Through it all, God whispered to my heart, reminding me that my adequacy came from Him alone, that He called me beautiful and called me to follow, that fear was just an excuse to not obey, and that, no matter what may befall, He would never leave or forsake me. With all these lessons, and the loving support of my project family, I can now say that I have surrendered to a year of ministry after college, and am beyond excited to see where God will take me and use me for His glory. That may be anything from working in a campus ministry in America, or taking an I-Edge or STINT year to France. I don't have all the answers yet, but I trust that as I continue walking in the Spirit, He will lead me where I need to be. God told me to follow, and so I will. In the meantime, I plan on sharing my faith with any that I may encounter, and trusting the Spirit to guide and control my life. As I have often said before, I am beyond excited about this "bend in the road", and seeing where my life will end up as I continue the journey.
Well, I'm not really sure how to end this novel, so I will just express my gratitude for each and every one of you for caring enough to take a peek into my life. I will try to be better about writing more often for updates. I covet your prayers in this next season of my life, and I would love to join you in prayer if there is anything I can help with. Have a blessed and beautiful day :)
Katie
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