All of us start out with big dreams, planning out exactly what it is that we want to accomplish and become in the lifespan that God grants us. Often, the dreams we create for ourselves are purely from our own whim and fancy. For example, when I was little, I read a book series called Detective Zack. It was about a little boy with archaeologist parents who traveled the world to find God in history. Naturally, this made me want to be an archaeologist. This dream lasted until I realized that I would have to move to other countries and play in the heat and dirt all day, probably finding nothing more than rocks and sand. With this realization, the dream of discovery faded instantly. There was no substance to this dream, I just wanted to wear the cool tan hat and make clever names for ancient creatures.
After the archaeology dream faded, I flopped between a desire to be a medical researcher (because the name sounded cool!), a nurse (that dream died because of my needle fear), and an art teacher (following my dad's footsteps!) All of these dreams faded pretty quickly, since there was no substance in the planning. But it was okay, because I was in my early teens. I didn't need to know what I was supposed to do with my life! The time for that would come when I became an "older kid".
Enter the summer when I was fifteen. I had accepted Christ in my heart as my Lord and Savior when I was nine years old, but up to that point, He was more of a distant figure who I learned about in church and not someone with whom I had an intimate relationship. During that summer, though, something within my heart began to stir. I remember distinctly being at church camp that year and knowing that something was wrong. I was crying myself to sleep every single night and just kept feeling a conviction to just...move. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was a Christian, but the stirring in my heart gave me doubts as to what my faith was really all about. One night at camp, I remember the speaker spoke about how growing closer to God was sometimes painful. Sometimes He requires that we follow Him no matter the cost to our comfort and reach out and serve where He led us to serve. I didn't hear much after this due to the ache that resided in my soul. For the first time in my walk of faith, I truly spoke with my Savior, trusting that He would hear and care and provide guidance. I began to pray that, if this ache was from God, that He would make it explicitly clear what this ache meant and where He wanted me to go. That night after the uth Bible study, I stayed behind and talked with my uth pastor and his wife. I explained the pang I was feeling in my heart and asked for their wisdom and guidance. We talked for an hour or more about different possibilities as to why I felt the way I did. They gave me several good ideas, but nothing really seemed to fit. After a time, they brought up the possibility of getting involved in the children's ministry at Sunray. Almost instantaneously, I felt peace just flood my body. All the pain became clear, and I could just feel God whispering in my ear "This is it. This is what I have for you." My tears of pain became tears of gratefulness, and I surrendered to working with children.
When I got back to my church, I went to the pastor and told him about my experience. He was really cool and supportive and allowed me to teach the kindergarten Sunday School class along with a woman named Laverne. She and I got along really well, and soon she was my mentor and "Meme". We tag-teamed on the teaching thing, and through her guidance and the interaction with the children, my attitudes and actions began to subtley change. When people first heard that I was surrendering to children's ministry, many scoffed. At this point in life, I was extremely impatient, incompassionate, and stubborn to the core (I may still be these things? I don't think so, but I apologize if I am). Yet as I got more and more experience as a teacher, I felt myself becoming more patient, more sensitive to the emotions and actions of those around me, and more compassionate towards everyone I met (to those people who wished I would become more compassionate? God answers that. You probably know I can be moved to tears by even the smallest actions). God had provided experiences in my life and in my ministry that gave me the gifts that made me more like Him. I was growing in grace and learning to trust Him more with every single day.
After I had been teaching for about a year, my pastor's wife confronted me and requested that I begin playing piano before Sunday School, leading the kids in a praise time. I reluctantly agreed because she's one of those people you just can't say no to. Deep inside, though, I was deathly afraid of playing in front of anybody--even if my audience was all under the age of seven. My pride of desiring perfection in my piano playing gave my new job of children's worship a sense of dread. The terrifying Sunday came...and it was amazing. My performance was mediocre (to say the least), but as I played, my ability became less and less important. I realized that I was doing something for God, and His glory was what mattered--not my own. The piano playing became a weekly thing, and soon I was integrated to play guitar in "big church".
I had gained the spiritual gifts that God had chosen to give me (patience, compassion, etc). These gifts led me to a slew of service projects in my community that allowed me to become the literal hands and feet of Jesus. I was being blessed with the gift of music and the desire to play for the glory of my Savior. Everything in life seemed okay. But my age was increasing, and suddenly I was expected to know what I wanted to do in the future. Everytime I tried to figure the puzzle out, I would end frustrated and confused. I knew without a doubt that I had been given the gift of music, but I also knew that I had developed a compassionate heart that yearned to serve others with my life. I talked and prayed with my mentor, Meme, for quite some time, and narrowed my options to either being a kindergarten teacher (for real) or marrying a fellow musician or preacher (that's a different story ;) and owning a home music studio. While both these options sounded okay, I was not overly enthusiastic about either.
Enter Mrs. Jennifer Conklin. Mrs. C is my other "mentor God-wise friend and teacher" (that's another story too). One day during my junior year, I was hit like a slap to the face with the reality that I had only one year left to figure out what God was calling me to do. I knew that if I kept asking, He would guide me, but sometimes it seemed impossible to hear His guidance when I was walking blindly. I got fed up with the unknown and had another "cry-yourself-to-sleep" nights, just as I had had at the age of fifteen. This time, though, I knew to put it all before my Father and trust Him to provide. I prayed specifically: "God, I know that You have a crazy plan out of this road map You've made me. My passions are serving and music, and a bit of writing. Whatever it is you want me to do, no matter how crazy, just SHOW ME!" The next day in band I was just sitting there thinking when Mrs. C called me into the office. She sat me down and her next words are permanently etched in my mind. "Katie, I have this weird feeling that I'm supposed to tell you about music therapy. It's a job where you use music and writing to help people."
That feeling of absolute peace flooded my veins once more.
This is what God had in store for me. This is what He wants from my life.
And still there were difficulties. My best option for obtaining a therapy degree was by going out of state (to KANSAS, of all places...). That same day of discovery, I went to the computer lab, looked up KU, and cried like my heart was breaking. I didn't want to move away! Yet as I cried it out in the library, the idea grew and the peace in my soul strengthened. After much exploration, the tears I cried became tears of joy. God had a plan for me. And it was so much bigger than any of my plans could have been. As I started enrolling for Kansas, the out-of-state tuition issue came up. I really believe it was a temptation to give up and go my own way, and heaven knows I came about one centimeter away from shutting the door on Kansas and God's guidance all together. But, surprisingly, financial aide came in, and God provided the way, just as He had given me the compassion, patience, musicality, and people-experience I will need to become a music therapist. And now, here I am, one semester of college completed. I plan on working in pediatrics when I graduate with my MT-BC, four years from this week. Through those years, you can bet I will be attentive to what God has in store for me. His plans are always an adventure.
Did you know another big dream of mine is to hit the road with an amp, my guitar, and my binder of music, doing worship gigs and playing for tip money? We will see if that dream is from God. I know He will provide if I am supposed to be a music star for Christ.
After all my experiences, I wouldn't be surprised if my road map does lead to something crazy like that.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4
In Christ,
katie
