Last night at 10 p.m. I reached my breaking point when, during my time of washing dirty dishes in my too-small sink, a spider the size of a silver dollar crawled across my kitchen counter. I have never been afraid of spiders before, but I found myself screaming several choice words while spraying a bottle of bleach on the vile creature, begging it to die. It started squirming and then fell down the tiny crack between the sink and the oven to the sounds of me being hysterical as I continued to spray everything in my line of vision with bleach (later my Dad's words of wisdom were "Kate? Did you forget that spiders are squishable? Cause they are.") I then spent the rest of my evening sitting on my bed feeling really freaked out and really vulnerable.
Under normal circumstances, I doubt I would have had such a huge overreaction to finding a spider. But this begins my 3rd week living alone in Iowa, and I find that I am overwhelmingly lonely and feeling powerless as to how to fix or take care of basic things. My sink has been burbling up with foul smelling water sporadically throughout the day. I thought it would be a good idea to wash my laundry in the bathtub to avoid having to find quarters for the laundromat, which has resulted in my bathroom being crowded with all my clothes hanging around, still nowhere near being dry enough to out back in the closet. Whenever I need to use Internet, I have to travel to the library or Starbucks, and I feel like there simply are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. I absolutely adore internship, but when I go home after work each day, I feel overwhelmingly lost and lonely. Today I was driving and my tire pressure light came on--I had a lot of problems with that last year, and had to pretty much go use my tire gauge in the rain to see what my car's status was. It was just another frustration on top of it all, and I was less than happy.
This morning I tried a new church. It was very different than my normal places of worship, with 1500 people attending each service, on average. They had a full orchestra playing hymns, and I sat in my seat and simply cried, unable to sing or do anything else. I feel as though I have been really far from where I need to be in my walk with God, mainly because I have not yet gotten used to my schedule and need to figure out how to adjust quiet time on top of everything else. I still don't have a lot of answers as to how I am going to balance everything, or even how I will manage to be alone for the next 5.5 months. I am vowing to take it all one day at a time, trusting Jesus to provide for me and be my heart healer on the days when I will inevitably feel overwhelmed. For today, I am grateful for grace, and the knowledge that I am where I am supposed to be, even though living here alone in Iowa may seem like an impossible task on this Jonah weekend. Mainly I am grateful that I have a Savior who also acts as high priest, and who will intercede for me and meet me where I am, even on my most complain-y, graceless days such as today. I know that growth happens most during the challenges, and I know that God is not through with me yet. The end result will be worth it, and when I look back I will see the ways in which He will have carried me through the experiences of this period in my life, spider panic included.
Under normal circumstances, I doubt I would have had such a huge overreaction to finding a spider. But this begins my 3rd week living alone in Iowa, and I find that I am overwhelmingly lonely and feeling powerless as to how to fix or take care of basic things. My sink has been burbling up with foul smelling water sporadically throughout the day. I thought it would be a good idea to wash my laundry in the bathtub to avoid having to find quarters for the laundromat, which has resulted in my bathroom being crowded with all my clothes hanging around, still nowhere near being dry enough to out back in the closet. Whenever I need to use Internet, I have to travel to the library or Starbucks, and I feel like there simply are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. I absolutely adore internship, but when I go home after work each day, I feel overwhelmingly lost and lonely. Today I was driving and my tire pressure light came on--I had a lot of problems with that last year, and had to pretty much go use my tire gauge in the rain to see what my car's status was. It was just another frustration on top of it all, and I was less than happy.
This morning I tried a new church. It was very different than my normal places of worship, with 1500 people attending each service, on average. They had a full orchestra playing hymns, and I sat in my seat and simply cried, unable to sing or do anything else. I feel as though I have been really far from where I need to be in my walk with God, mainly because I have not yet gotten used to my schedule and need to figure out how to adjust quiet time on top of everything else. I still don't have a lot of answers as to how I am going to balance everything, or even how I will manage to be alone for the next 5.5 months. I am vowing to take it all one day at a time, trusting Jesus to provide for me and be my heart healer on the days when I will inevitably feel overwhelmed. For today, I am grateful for grace, and the knowledge that I am where I am supposed to be, even though living here alone in Iowa may seem like an impossible task on this Jonah weekend. Mainly I am grateful that I have a Savior who also acts as high priest, and who will intercede for me and meet me where I am, even on my most complain-y, graceless days such as today. I know that growth happens most during the challenges, and I know that God is not through with me yet. The end result will be worth it, and when I look back I will see the ways in which He will have carried me through the experiences of this period in my life, spider panic included.
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