For starters, let's just get one thing straight: as far as people and personality types go, I'm pretty low-maintenance. I'm easily entertained and have so many hobbies that I am usually really good at being alone without needing a ton of affirmation or attention from others. Don't get me wrong, those things have a time and place, but I personally don't require a ton of spotlight time.
That being said, I have pretty much been a basketcase throughout the second half of this summer.
To the casual observer, I have been perfectly fine. But to those closest to me, I have been ridiculously vulnerable and panicky about this season of my life. I've been needing a continual flow of affirmation or distractions from others. The phrase "I have no idea what I'm doing with my life" has left my lips hundreds of times, and as I face a new season in my life, I realize that I am, frankly, scared to death.
Scared that I won't have a job when I finish internship. Scared of student debt. Scared of losing previous friends when I move even farther away to Iowa. Scared that I will be a complete failure at this whole intern thing. Scared of how my story is going to play out. Scared of living a mediocre life. Scared that my life as I know it is now going to be over as I have to become a real, full-time adult.
I think the last fear is the one that is hitting hardest. Everywhere I go, nostalgia overtakes me. When I went home a few weeks ago, my Dad and I returned to his hometown and I was overcome with emotion the whole day, missing my grandparents and wanting desperately to go back in time and spend more time with them, and spend more time as a little kid running through the pasture with my cousin, Kyle. At church, nostalgia struck again, making me remember how every member of that
sweet church adopted me as I grew and loved me thoroughly and became my family (and somehow, as I've aged, they've all gotten older, too, which rips at my heart). Several sweet friends are going back to college this week, reminding me of 18-year-old Katie, and how scared and insecure she was, thinking that her life was over because she was moving from Oklahoma to Kansas where she knew nobody (and yes, I realize that in 4 years I will look back at 22-year-old Katie and scoff at her naivety as well). As things are changing so quickly and drastically around me, I find that I just want to go back. I want to relive past things and be little again.
For the past few weeks as all these things have circled in my mind and emotions, I have felt like a huge failure as a follower of Christ. If my trust is in Jesus, why am I so scared? Why wasn't my faith in Him coming easily? I had several friends who kept me grounded, constantly reminding me how I was going to be ok, and how God did have His hand over my life. And even though I knew that in my head, I didn't feel it in my heart, and that lack of feeling made me feel like a really apathetic and bad representation of Christ. I was still having quiet time and trying to focus on God, but I was just too distracted by....everything. I still was having awesome days, but at the end of the day when I went to sleep, I felt as though I had accomplished nothing meaningful. Surely there was more I had to do in order to get out of my funk so that I could go embrace a faith-filled life with brilliant fervor.
But then this Sunday at church, the pastor made a comment that hit me: faith never really comes naturally. Because if it did, it wouldn't really be faith. And with that comment, I realized that I am going to be ok. Others had told me this, but I needed to acknowledge to myself that God sees, God knows. My questions are already answered, even if I cannot see the answers at this point in time. My weakness of faith is seen, and yet I am still covered by the blood of Jesus (and honestly, in my weakness, my need to depend on God grows and grows). There will be times in my life where things are absolutely certain, and times in my life like now, where things will be insanely ambiguous. That's just a part of being human. I. don't need to know all the answers, I just have to trust. And no matter what befalls....I will be ok.
And so I am trusting again. I am waking up singing, embracing the grace that is being freely given to someone as weak and clumsy as me. I don't really know how everything turned around, other than by the Spirit's work, but I am grateful for the change. I believe that God is doing a good work in me, and that that work is nowhere near completion. Tonight the unknown doesn't seem scary, it seems like an adventure waiting to unfold.
To end this post, here's a song by my favorite band, Elephant Revival. Not sure how to add videos to my blog since I practically live in the 1880's in my understanding of technology, but I figured I'd give it a try. It has nothing to do with my blogpost except for the shared title, so....enjoy!
