Monday, September 30, 2013

I'm the hero of this story?


Dependence versus Independence

This past weekend, I went back to Kansas. I don't think I can really accurately describe how needed that trip was, and how good it was for my heart. I stopped to see Michael and his family first, and I had to keep making sure he was real and I was actually there in their house. I spent time with Bethany and we shared so many soul-talks. Today I visited with both Gretchen and Kristy, both of whom are so good for my heart. With all of the people whom I visited, I kept mentally repeating Keats: "I almost wish we were butterflies that lived but three summer days. Three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." It was a butterfly weekend, and I was sad to leave, even as I felt excited to return to the internship aspect of Iowa. But the love that was showered on me made me feel empowered and able to conquer the world.

But then I got back and my bathroom ceiling was leaking and the floor was flooded. 

I didn't freak out or feel that I couldn't handle the situation, but I still called my parents immediately while texting Michael and emailing my landlord. Then I started feeling mope-y about my circumstances and not feeling like I could do much. I want my song to be "I'm the hero of this story, don't me to be saved", but I feel like I'm more often singing "I hope he will be someone to watch over me". 

Life is full of paradoxes lately. I hate being in Iowa but I love being at UIHC. I call Oklahoma home but I'm homesick for Kansas. I want to be independent and strong but I feel like I'm weak and oh so needy. I trust that this is all a lesson in growing in grace, and I will trust even when I feel like I cannot see, or when I feel like I am doing a terrible job at being an adult and being ok with when and where I am. Over time I will learn, and beauty will come from the growing pains.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

A Jonah Weekend

Last night at 10 p.m. I reached my breaking point when, during my time of washing dirty dishes in my too-small sink, a spider the size of a silver dollar crawled across my kitchen counter. I have never been afraid of spiders before, but I found myself screaming several choice words while spraying a bottle of bleach on the vile creature, begging it to die. It started squirming and then fell down the tiny crack between the sink and the oven to the sounds of me being hysterical as I continued to spray everything in my line of vision with bleach (later my Dad's words of wisdom were "Kate? Did you forget that spiders are squishable? Cause they are.") I then spent the rest of my evening sitting on my bed feeling really freaked out and really vulnerable.

Under normal circumstances, I doubt I would have had such a huge overreaction to finding a spider. But this begins my 3rd week living alone in Iowa, and I find that I am overwhelmingly lonely and feeling powerless as to how to fix or take care of basic things. My sink has been burbling up with foul smelling water sporadically throughout the day. I thought it would be a good idea to wash my laundry in the bathtub to avoid having to find quarters for the laundromat, which has resulted in my bathroom being crowded with all my clothes hanging around, still nowhere near being dry enough to out back in the closet. Whenever I need to use Internet, I have to travel to the library or Starbucks, and I feel like there simply are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. I absolutely adore internship, but when I go home after work each day, I feel overwhelmingly lost and lonely. Today I was driving and my tire pressure light came on--I had a lot of problems with that last year, and had to pretty much go use my tire gauge in the rain to see what my car's status was. It was just another frustration on top of it all, and I was less than happy.

This morning I tried a new church. It was very different than my normal places of worship, with 1500 people attending each service, on average. They had a full orchestra playing hymns, and I sat in my seat and simply cried, unable to sing or do anything else. I feel as though I have been really far from where I need to be in my walk with God, mainly because I have not yet gotten used to my schedule and need to figure out how to adjust quiet time on top of everything else. I still don't have a lot of answers as to how I am going to balance everything, or even how I will manage to be alone for the next 5.5 months. I am vowing to take it all one day at a time, trusting Jesus to provide for me and be my heart healer on the days when I will inevitably feel overwhelmed. For today, I am grateful for grace, and the knowledge that I am where I am supposed to be, even though living here alone in Iowa may seem like an impossible task on this Jonah weekend. Mainly I am grateful that I have a Savior who also acts as high priest, and who will intercede for me and meet me where I am, even on my most complain-y, graceless days such as today. I know that growth happens most during the challenges, and I know that God is not through with me yet. The end result will be worth it, and when I look back I will see the ways in which He will have carried me through the experiences of this period in my life, spider panic included.