Thursday, April 17, 2014

Doubting Thomas

Let's be honest: when life gets busy, I get really bad at journaling or blogging. I just re-read the last post I had on here, and it was from the end of October when I was only 2 months into my internship. But here I am, writing again, in April, having received my board-certification as a music therapist and having started work towards some various music therapy contracts. Life is looking pretty great, and there are a lot of things to be excited about.

But in the midst of the excitement that is my 23rd year of life, I'm still struggling. When I was in Iowa, I was pretty isolated. I saw my fellow intern quite frequently, but as far as a spiritual community atmosphere went, I was alone on my own little island. I visited a handful of churches while in Iowa, but there was always that sense of recognition that my time there was short and that I didn't want to put down roots in a community that would only last for a small season. So I stayed isolated, telling myself that it would be fine on my own, and that nothing could touch me. Being away from a supportive community, though, had some major detrimental effects. Around December, my heart grew cold and apathetic. Absolutely nothing negative had happened in my life, but without the ongoing support of fellow believers and the subsequent hours of silence in my house, I began questioning my beliefs and my values and pretty much everything that I had believed to be solid. When I was 20, I had added the item "go to a monastery and take a vow of solitude for a week or more" to my bucket list. I'm a proud introvert, and the prospect of extended solitude brought images of me leaving that time a triumphant super-Christian, on first-name buddy terms with God and surrounded by an air of an overwhelming purpose revealed for my life as I marched stoically out across a rolling meadow singing hymns. Although I didn't go to a monastery, I got my wish of solitude, 6 full months of it. The reality of it was more in alignment with me emerging from smoke, covered in dirt, unable to walk or think or feel much of anything other than what was felt in the day-to-day living and doubting everything about myself and God. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely not miserable during this time. I have so many fond memories of Iowa and all the adventures that occurred while there. But spiritually, Iowa was definitely a low point in my life. My apathetic heart told me that I didn't need God to get by, and so I set out to fend for myself, hoping to be okay.

And then Iowa ended, and I packed up my car and moved back to Kansas. I had a couple of positively perfect days with my Kansas loved ones, then went to Oklahoma for almost 2 weeks of refreshing time with family. I returned to Kansas and have since been working on career things, preparing for my boards and applying for jobs. It's refreshing to be back. But even in my "normal" community, I'm still feeling my heart grow apathetic, still feeling a sense of doubt and unfeeling in relation to my faith. Having grown up in a loving church home, it's really hard to admit that I have doubts. It's not even that I doubt that God is real--I believe that with all my heart and feel that it is true, as easy as breathing. I guess it's more of a sense of knowing that God is real, but having lost that sense of feeling, of waking up in the morning grateful for the promise of a new day and the continuing, merciful love of a Savior. My head knows it is all true. My heart has gotten cold.

Last Sunday in church, our interim pastor was preaching about Palm Sunday, and how it was that the crowd went from worshiping Jesus on Sunday to calling for His crucifixion on Friday. The gist of it was the fact that the people had wanted a Savior, and Jesus had definitely come in that role. What they hadn't expected was Him requiring to also be Lord of their lives in addition to their Savior. Claiming Christ as Savior is a passive thing. Nothing that we do can make Him save us; it comes from His grace and mercy alone. Claiming Christ as Lord is a bit more tricky. It requires allowing Him control and living in a way that is honoring to Him. It requires dying to self and seeking His glory above all else.

So this week, my prayer has been that I will be able to make Christ the Lord of my life, even when I don't feel. That I will be able to truly connect to and be vulnerable with the fellow believers in my life who have always been so supportive of me in the past. To die to myself on a daily basis, even when I would rather be selfish. I know that God doesn't need my faith to exist. I know that faith is more or less the hope that God is true to His promises and in His love for me (see: Hebrews 11; Romans 8). And so I am hoping that this apathy will end, and I am leaning on the promise that He is God, and that He knows me infinitely and intimately, even in times when I doubt myself.

In conclusion, I leave you with a song called "Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek. The lyrics basically outline a struggle with doubt, but ultimately ends with the singer choosing to believe in spite of his doubts. Click on the link; I promise it is worth your time.

Yahweh, I believe. Help my unbelief.


Doubting Thomas by Nickel Creek



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